Archive for the ‘Into The Psyche Of Juse’ Category

Your Hello Is The Hand Of My Past Haunting Me…

MOOD: onigiri- crying (Sad)
Quote Of The Day: “Because she’s different now.” -Runa

So today’s post might be a tad bit serious. After work yesterday, I went out worming. I needed to find more cat litter. But I stopped by the Trader Joe’s in Buckhead to look at their cat food. I didn’t buy anything, and as I was walkin’ to my car in the parking lot, I heard someone call my name. “Sandy?” I turned and looked and I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was one of my BFF‘s in high school, Diana.

Back in high school me, Diana and Donna were best of friends. We almost ALWAYS hung out together, and had all our classes together. We were like the female Three Musketeers. We thought a like, acted a like, and knew about every bit and piece of each others’ lives. Towards the end of high school, I started to fall off the band wagon. I use to be a straight A student, but towards senior year, I wasn’t making good grades, had outrageous drama with reason A, and I was in a very very bad place in my life.

They stuck with me through all of that, but deep down inside I was very envious that they had drama-free lives. Both of them ended up being Salutatorian. I think they had a tie for the 2nd highest GPA in our graduating class. Where was I? I stayed up all night helping them write “their” acceptance speech, but I didn’t have the honors. I wasn’t the one standing on stage accepting the applause. reason A hated them for that. She hated me for being so stupid to help someone else write their acceptance speech instead of feeling shame that I wasn’t up there also with good grades.

After high school, I went to GSU, Donna transferred to Georgia Tech and Diana fell off the map. We thought she went to University of Miami, cuz that was her plan. I still stayed very close with Donna throughout college, until maybe my junior year. I often skipped class to take the bus to GA Tech to have lunch with her on “her” campus. We were like sisters. reason A hated her with a passion. She thought she was evil, always taking advantage of me. But of course I didn’t feel this way.

Then for some reason, we just stopped talking. I don’t even know what happened really. I guess we just both got busy with life. During this time, we got back in contact with Diana and found out she dropped out of college because she had drama with her parents, and her dad left her Mom, and bankrupt the home. She stopped contacting us cuz she felt some shame? We were shocked because she literally was the most studious person we knew. We felt bad for her.

A few years ago, I saw Donna at H-Mart. We talked for maybe 30 minutes. It was a very painful 30 minutes for me. As close as I was to her, I felt disconnected from her at that moment. She’s rarely on FB but from the pics I could see of her life, I knew we weren’t able to be friends anymore. The people she hung out with, the hobbies she had, they were so vastly different from what I like and who I’m surrounded by. I was still this ghetto fab Chinese girl and she was preppy and totally different. Every other word out of her mouth was “like”. It was odd for me. After that, I had dreams about her almost every other week. I told Runa about it. I think it was because she was such a big part of my life growing up, that I do genuinely care for her, at the same time she brings back memories of my past that I’d rather leave in the past.

Throughout the years, Donna and Diana have always kept in touch, they hang out, etc. I have just developed another group of friends, and been engulfed in my routine of a life. When I saw Diana she was very excited to see me, she gave me a really tight hug and we talked for a while. I pretended to be happy but I really wasn’t. I had tears weld up in my eyes, and I told her it was because I was happy to see her and in a sense I was, but at the same time I wasn’t. She has a great career and so does Donna, and now she’s a health nut that does mountain climbing, and marathons and here I am a fat kid that likes to stuff my face and cry about drama with my mother, even though I’m 32 yrs old. They are single and ready to mingle (Diana does have a BF) and here I am stuck at my dead end job with my bum husband. Its depressing, its disheartening, and it makes me question what the hell am I doing or (not doing) with my life?? Why do they seem so happy, why am I not? I feel ashamed for my lack of accomplishments.

Diana said she can’t wait for us to all hang out again. (Me, her and Donna) And I honestly dread that day, if it comes. I just feel like they are in such a good place in their life and I’m not. I don’t have a great few years to report to them about and I definitely don’t wanna be Debbie Downer. I don’t want them to tell me how they’ve done great, and are advancing in their careers and I tell them about how I’ve been stuck at the same damn dead end job for 7 yrs, STILL have Momma drama at age 32, and got married, but then realized that the savior I thought I married is just a bum in disguise. What would they think of me? They would think, how after all these years, is Sandy is STILL struggling? When will she ever improve? They will think I’m hopeless. I don’t blame them, I blame myself. At the same time, am I selfish for not wanting to hear how great their lives are?? Is that selfish of me?

She asked me how married life was. They don’t know the story of me and Kenny at all. It is way too exasperating to tell the whole story so I just said its great. I don’t think they can accept or understand the whole situation, so I don’t plan on telling them. If they ask, I’ll just be like he works out of town. I don’t wanna lie to friends, but at the same time, I simply can’t go through the emotion of telling the whole story. I said once that I want to have a day where when someone I haven’t seen in a while asks me “So how is life?” I can say “Its great!!” But it seems so far away. I HATE HATE HATE always being the friend that reports drama and bad news. I just suck as a friend. Do I enrich anyone’s life??

Diana asked me how reason A was, and I told her she’s doing good. She’s with me. And she said “Oh, ur Mom is STILL with u?” I just said “Well where else would she go?” Then I did a fake laugh as if it was a joke. They won’t understand. They won’t understand why I have drama with her at this age, why I can’t go out past dark, why this why that. I am sick and tired of it myself, so I don’t want to burden them with my drama. I just wish she never saw me in the parking lot. She is a part of my past that I want to put behind me because it was so painful. My high school years are something I never wanna think about again. How depressing is this post?? Lol.

Into The Psyche Of Juse: My Container Obsession

MOOD: onigiri- poker face (Seriousness)
Quote Of The Day: “Usually aren’t crazy folks reluctant to admit they’re crazy? O_o” -Juse

Today I am going to tackle one of my issues. Not that I’m out to fix it or cure it, I’m simply addressing and owning up to it. I have a problem. Yes, actually I have many, but one of them became very apparent to me yesterday. I always knew about this problem and I even spoke to Runa, figuring since she’s a psychologist, she would probably understand it more than anyone. I also have a theory as to why I have this problem. Lets divide this post into 4 sections. Problem identification, problem realization, problem cause, and my final thoughts. Leggo!

Problem Identification:
Alright, so the problem is… I am obsessed about containers. Yes. I know it sounds like a retarded problem to have, but I have it and that’s a fact. Ever since I was a kid, I liked buying, collecting and hoarding containers. Anything from cans, to tins, to jars, to cups, to bowls, to baskets, to crates, to bottles, to canisters, to bags, to pouches, to pockets, to cases, anything you can physically put another thing into is considered a container, and I am obsessed about them. I am constantly buying containers, and trying to fill them up. Normal people actually have things they need to organize first and then go out buying containers to put them in, but I do it the other way around. I buy containers I like and then come home and figure out what I’m gonna put in it. But the point is, I HAVE TO put something in it and fill it up.

Problem Realization:
I’ve always known I’ve had this problem, but it was very apparently and I think I had my aha moment yesterday, when I decided that my facial scrub and cleanser that is in tube form, is almost gone. I have a love hate relationship for things in a tube, cuz when it gets down to the bottom, I feel like it’s a waste and I can’t get anymore out although I know there’s more product in it. So I figured I could cut open the tube, and scrap the remainder of the product out into a little jar, that way I don’t waste any! So I went out searching for a jar. Last time I went to Bed Bath & Beyond, I found some really cute travel containers, and I bought a few there. I wanted to go back to Bed Bath & Beyond in Buckhead, but then I remembered there is The Container Store in Buckhead as well! A place I’ve always wanted to go but never managed to do. I decided yesterday was the day! I’m gonna get my little jar from The Container Store! But that’s when the problem occurred.

My eyes started to light up when I got inside, everything was a container!! Auhhhh!! It was like heaven for me! I was so excited! The place was quiet so I had to be quiet too, but inside I was jumping up and down!! So many clean and sleek containers, so many sizes, so many shapes!! It was all this eye candy! I was in such a freakin’ happy place! XD I tried to quickly browse the place, cuz I didn’t wanna get home too late and have to tell reason A where I was, so I knew I couldn’t spend that much time there. Once again, let me reiterate that I went in to get “one jar”. But this is what I ended up getting:

the container store1

A whole freakin’ bag of containers!! Auhhh!!! The damage was like $23. It’s amazing how I refuse to buy a new pair of shoes although I have a hole on the bottom of my right shoe and water always gets in when it rains, but I’m willing to spend $23 on a bag of random containers?? What the hell is wrong with me? It’s obviously a problem! >_<

But side note, I found this ridiculously cute pill case that actually looks like a pill!! OMFG!! Too damn cute! XD

the container store2

Problem Cause:
Ok, back to being serious. So I do technically know why I have this problem. Although some of you reading think this is just stupid, I know there is a serious reason for this. I remember a while back I watched a special on TV about child psychologists and therapists, and their analysis of this one child. The kid was very young, but I don’t remember how old. The kid had a habit of putting things in a basket. In a room of a ton of toys, he always reached for the basket, while other kids reached for stuffed animals, Barbies, trains, whatever. He then grabbed stuff and filled up the basket and just carried it around. The behavior was odd, but knowing his background, the psychologist said it was understandable.

She said that the kid is growing up in a single parent household with the mother being super busy. The kid is subconsciously feeling a yearning for his mother’s love which he is lacking at the moment, and his need to “fulfill” that void is manifested in his “filling up the basket”. I thought that made super sense. I started to think about my obsession with containers. More importantly, I started to think about how it made me feel when I bought containers, and when I filled them up. Honestly, it makes me happy. Looking at containers that “can be filled” makes me happy. Filling them makes me happier. I LOVE containers. They literally bring me joy. Last night, I filled about 7 of my containers. I still had like 3 left over, and before bed, I went to the bathroom and looked at my empty containers!! I got excited thinking about what I’m gonna fill them up with tomorrow! OMFG!! Now I sound like the weird cat woman, but with containers instead. -__-;;

I know that there are a lot of issues in my life. Starting from my messed up childhood, through my grade school years, and everything else I’ve been through. I think I feel empty inside. I know there is a void in my heart, whether it be a “normal” mother and family or lack of stable relationships in the past, or my career is a dead end, etc. I have many voids now to think of it. I think they manifest into my obsession with containers. Filling up containers brings me joy, cuz its like I’m filling up that void in my mind and heart. I probably also long for normal “parental love” from reason A. Although I know she loves me and protects me to an obsessive point, but she doesn’t do it in a way that I or most other people know how to accept and deal with! I feel like I’m still lacking a loving, understanding and supportive mother! And since I don’t have a father, then its double the void.

Runa actually had another theory that she suggested yesterday. She said, maybe I’m filling up containers with stuff, because I didn’t have much growing up and subconsciously I wanna fill them up to keep, because I’m afraid I’ll lose it. So it’s the “fear of losing” that is my basis for the container obsession. Either way, I know the action is driven by a much deeper issue.

Final Thoughts:
So honestly, I don’t know if there is anything I CAN or WILL do to fix this issue. Its not a big one if you look at the picture as a whole. In comparison to some of the other issues people have, simply liking to buy containers is not that big of a deal I guess. It’s not like gambling or alcoholism. >_> But nonetheless its an issue I have identified with myself. Many people probably won’t understand, but I am actually hoping that after I get married and later have kids, that this obsession will slowly go away, because starting a family of my own will help me fill a lot of the voids in my life. I will have my husband and kids to fill my heart and mind and I will just project my need to “fulfill” onto them in hopefully a positive way. But God I hope I don’t end up spoiling my kids cuz I didn’t have much growing up! >_<

So yeah. That’s my confession to my problem. Didn’t they say being able to identify the problem is the first step in recovering? Lol. Hello, my name is Sandy and I’m a recovering container obssessor/hoarder. XD